Deo

It was just 2 weeks ago that I got to meet my hero, Deogratias.

If you've never heard of him, check out his story, Strength in What Remains by Tracy Kidder.

Forgetting to Remember

I've been blessed to meet a multitude of truly inspiring people in my life. One such person was a Swiss girl named Rachel. You wouldn't know it, but she was only 16 when I met her. It didn't make sense to me because she had the wisdom of a 40 year-old. There's one particular thing I'll always remember about her. She kept a large jar that was full of collected rocks- sometimes it would overflow and she'd have to dump them out and start over. Each rock represented a prayer God had answered. Every time the Lord answered her prayer request, no matter how big or small, she placed a rock inside the jar. How cool is that! God told Israel to remember all the wonderful things He did for them and to tell them to their children. And it made me realize how I ask God for something, He comes to my rescue, I thank him and worship him for it, and then I move on. I just forget about it. But that is completely missing it! He answers our prayers so that we will give him glory and worship him in grateful response. I need to remember all the things the Lord has done for me. Because there is so much! How foolish of me to forget. I'm not sure if I have the discipline to walk outside and grab a stone every time God says 'yes' (because He says 'yes' a lot), but maybe it will turn into a list I keep in my journal, or something else more creative- who knows. But I've got to remember! It is essential for my the up-keeping of my faith and attitude of gratitude. And most of all, it will enable me to fight off doubt like a mighty warrior.

The Thoughts I Think On Nickerson Street

When you've been dreaming about something all your life, planning, praying, hoping it will come to pass just as you saw it when you closed your eyes at night to imagine it, somewhere in the back of your mind, the thought settles that it can never come to pass. But yesterday shattered my To-Good-To-Be-True Complex. I'm here, in Seattle. I cooked myself dinner tonight, sat down and just stared out the window. This is my dream. I am living my dream.
I think this is also the end of a long season of doubt. God is a tender father who finds joy in giving His children the desires of their heart. But now that I have it all within reach of my fingertips, I remember that deeper still, Jesus is the desire of my heart. I think I love this city and its quirks and charm, but what I long for is Jesus.
I can't believe it finally came to pass, and I thank God it did.
So, here's a toast to new beginnings, fresh starts, and grace that goes on and on like the rain in Seattle.

#neverstoprunning + #neverstopexploring = Nike + The North Face

Running is how I explore the world. Running has the ability to do what staring at something magnificent for 5 minutes can't. When you fix a still gaze on something, your mind begins to paint a picture of what it sees. But when you run by it, your mind takes snapshots and collects enough photos to make into a movie.

Photos and paintings do not share the same kind of significance. We admire paintings and respect the long hours the artist put into the project. But we value photos because they help us remember. Photos and videos let us relive the moment.
I was never able to take in the full grandeur of Washington D.C.'s monuments until I went running through the mall. Running down the street with the Washington Monument directly in front of me, gazing across the Tidal Basin at the Jefferson Memorial, cutting through the WWII Memorial and steering just close enough to get splashed by its lustrous fountains. There are so many moments that my mind has catalogued into a movie, and it sits filed away in my memory. Sometime I choose to pull it out of my mental library and play it over again, and every time it places a smile on my face.
I often reminisce on my summers in France. Sometimes I sift through random paintings my mind painted from staring at the mountains and gazing upon the historical sights. But I prefer to close my eyes and watch it all, as I relive my daily runs through the foothills of the French Alps or running around the castle at Carcassone or the lake in Annecy.
On my return home from college, I had a few hours to spend in Chicago. It was my very first visit and I wanted to take in as much of the city as I could. Strolling down the streets and waving into the Bean were wonderful experiences. But the moment I will most remember from my time there was running along the waterfront. Not only was the view mesmerizing, but I was swept along by the human current made up of the many natives who run the route on a daily basis.
During my spring break in Denver, I would run through City Park. Only running allowed me to fully inhale the full glory of city skyscrapers posing in front of the Rocky Mountains.
My recent run in the Redwoods is a memory I love to relive. The great trees seem to fly by me when I'm running, and they become all the more impressive.
While these are all magical moments that running captures on film, perhaps running's greatest prize is the way it documents time spent with friends and family. When I think of my brother, I recount the many runs we've gone on together. I replay those moments in my mind and smile every time at the sweetness they produce. I cherish all of the night runs I have gone on with my friends. Our laughter and long conversations, along with the steady beat of our footsteps, are sounds I never want to forget. And I will never have to forget them, because all of these things are saved inside of me. And that is why running is how I explore the world. 

1 million years ago I used to blog

I'm sitting in Good Bean, the best seat in Jacksonville, Oregon. To my right, a table of middle-aged folks discuss the Rogue Valley and its idiosyncrasies. Across the cafe, someone's editing a video and drinking a house coffee. I know the baristas working behind the counter because I went to high school with them. I ran into an old friend on her way out and we had a good catch-up conversation. Some tourists just walked in- they're here for a Britt Festival concert.
I'm sipping my black c-coffee, waiting for my best friend to finally text me back. Isn't life good? The local life, the kind we all take for granted.
I look out the windows and all I see are the tips of evergreens. There are LOTS of evergreens where I live, and I appreciate them all. I'm so in love with the Rogue Valley. My world exists between the peaks of Mt. Ashland and Mt. McLaughlin, and that is what makes me who I am today. Yeah, a few trips to France and many months in the Midwest may have had a little influence, but I am, and Lord-willing always will be, an Oregonian.

Signs and Seasons

So, I made it through arguably the most difficult conversation of my life: telling my awesome coach that I won't be running for him anymore. But I learned that Jesus is faithful, and He provides all the grace I need to obey Him.
I have 10 days left at Greenville College, and I'm soaking up the sunshine on this beautiful day, remembering all that God has done/showed me this year. It seems like an eternity ago that I flew from France to Illinois- even longer still since I spent a beautiful summer in France with my brother and French friends. And to think that was a year ago!
Life is fleeting. If that makes you feel uncomfortable like it does me, read Ecclesiastes (a real kick in the butt).
I'm excited for summer, even more excited for the next season of my life. And when I say excited, I mean terrified- mixed with some positive expectation of having a good time.

I'm learning that God's timing is flawless, thankful that His mercy is endless, and hoping that His promise will be enough to keep me content for the rest of my life.

Christian Nationals

This weekend was the greatest meet of my life, and not because of how I did personally :) I absolutely LOVED cheering on my teammates. Running back and forth, over and over, during the relays, screaming at the top of my lungs; praying with them before their races; suffocating them with hugs after they finished; laughing together; understanding and listening to them vent when things didn't go as planned.
I love them and I will miss them dearly.

And both girls & guys took 3rd!!

this view was so distracting, even in the middle of my race

Obedience Is Better Than Sacrifice

But Samuel replied,

"What is more pleasing to the Lord:

your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to his voice?

Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice,

and submission is better than offering the fat of rams.

Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft,

and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols.

So because you have rejected the command of the Lord,

he has rejected you as king."

What exactly is going on in this passage?

God told Saul to wipe out all of the Amalekites- He wanted to obliterate the entire nation.

So Saul went out and slaughtered the Amalekite people. But he left the king alive. And he took the best of their livestock and possessions, destroying "only what was worthless or of poor quality."

And THEN (this is pathetic) it says he went to the town of Carmel "to set up a monument to himself." Narcissistic much?

First, Saul was supposed to do all this in the name of the LORD, so the fact that he built a monument in celebration of "his" achievements is sinfully ironic.

Second, he blatantly disobeyed God by sparing the king's life and plundering the Amalekites.

When Samuel called Saul out on this, he gave the classic white lie response:

""But I did obey the Lord,' Saul insisted. 'I carried out the mission he gave me. I brought back King Agag, but I destroyed everyone else. Then my troops brought in the best of the sheep, goats, cattle, and plunder to sacrifice to the LORD your God in Gilgal."

And that's where we pick up with Samuel's monologue on obedience versus sacrifices.

Saul was self righteous. He wanted to offer God a sacrifice in hopes of earning God's favor. But the Lord wanted a submissive heart.

Just read Psalm 51 and you'll see God is really into hearts that are humble before Him:

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

That was David talking. David was a man after God's own heart. Saul, a king rejected by the LORD.

Moving on to greener pastures, but thankful for the dry seasons

This year that I have spent living in Greenville, Illinois has been the most revealing, stretching, and unique one so far in my life. It's been vital to my growth. I try to imagine what my life would look like had I not made the journey to the land without mountains, oceans, or evergreens and converted my life to a timezone two hours ahead of the only schedule I had ever known. I have had to cling to Jesus more than ever before. Even more so than when I traveled alone to France at the young age of 17! I have had to deal with people so far removed from my solar system that only an active, engaging love could transport me to their world. I have endured weeks upon weeks of loneliness. But God was so faithful. He provided everything I need to survive under such conditions: Himself.

But if I hadn't gone through all of the above, that answer still wouldn't be good enough for me. See, contentment is a gift. God gives it to you, but we don't always understand it. He has given us everything we need in Christ Jesus. And everything else included is just a blessing added on.

I am so thankful for my year spent stranded in the Midwest. It has made me grateful for the mountains, beyond thankful for my irreplaceable friends back home, and forever conscience of God's sustaining grace.

Things are about to change for me. I'm thinking they'll change for the better (God only knows) but either way, I am to be content. So as I move on to a future that I can't help but consider as brighter and more hopeful, don't forget that Jesus is the only thing that will satisfy you, whether in plenty or in need.

Here's to next year!

7 months of pondering and now I can finally articulate it

When I was in France this summer I met this girl who told me something I will never forget. She listened to me express my goals, dreams, and desires for the future, as well as my frustrations with the present. Then she looked me in the eye and asked, "But are we trying to get somewhere? I don't think that's the point." She presented me with two basic ends to this mindset. "Either you arrive at your goal and then have to find a new one, or you try so hard to obtain it but then fall short and it leaves you completely frustrated."

I instantly grasped the depth of what she was saying. My whole world is a dynamic balance between both ends of the pendulum. So many times I've been stuck in the "Now what?" after trying so hard achieve something, and then succeeding. It is an empty cycle, ironically unfulfilling. I have also fallen short of my ambitions, and that too leaves you feeling empty. In fact, this is most often the case for me. No wonder I project such a negative reality: I'm afraid of failing, because it happens a lot, even to the best of us.

As I swallowed the thickness of her statement, I asked her if she had an alternative way of living then, since she just shattered mine. And she had a pretty good one.

"It's about living each moment for the glory of God, and searching for the Heaven that's already on earth."

Her plans to spend her last few weeks in France rock climbing and traveling had been impeded when she sprained her ankle working as a camp counselor. Instead, she had to return home to the States early. "I didn't expect it to happen like this. But, you know, it's alright. I found a lot of God this summer, a lot people, and a lot of Heaven. I saw the Kingdom in the lives of these kids."

Her response blew me away, because quite honestly I had spent that week sulking in my disappointments with how my summer had passed. I had been hoping for so much more out of it, but as I did not arrive at where I had intended to go, I was left frustrated. It was just as she had described that end to me.

In that moment, I wanted so bad to look back on the events of the summer and see what God had been up to. Whatever He was doing, I seemed to have missed it. I was too absorbed in myself and my ambitions. But I began to realize that the Lord's work had affected me none the less. He had brought so many amazing and monumental people into my life that summer. And the girl I was talking to now was one of them.

So after that brief, valuable conversation, I had a lot to sort through in my mind. My whole life was wrapped around the idea that I had to get somewhere with it. The fact that I could just take one moment at a time and enjoy it brought so much freedom. It was so appealing.

Sadly, I slip back into my old "get there" mindset on a regular basis. But that whole perspective is based on the assumption that I have a long life to live. How the heck do I know how long my life will last? I don't. So that is why I am determined to take each day as it comes and search for the bit of the Kingdom that God wants to reveal to me while I am on earth.

wildflowers- i just love them!

Spring is definitely in session, and I can't help but have hope. I love flowers, and rain, and green grass. I came back from spring break and everything was, well, new. God does that a lot. He makes things new. I love that about Him :) Whether it's turning a heart inside out or building the fallen things back up, He is faithful to recreate.

"Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self-- in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart."

-C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

All of a sudden, Everyone's going independent!

All of my favorite artists are making their own albums all by themselves now and I love them all the more for it. Here are some albums I just got:

1. Ruth - Payola

2. Starfield - The Kingdom

3. Bethany Dillon - To Those Who Wait

Now what?

Sometimes life can be so disappointing. I'm not gonna lie, I'm super bummed about a certain situation right now. But for once in my life, I'm going to count it all joy. God has definitely proven to me through the years that He knows what He's doing (funny, right, that God has to prove anything to anyone!).

The words to this song have always meant something to me, pretty much since the first time I ever heard them:

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flame

This is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

I will bring praise, I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice, I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

All of my life, in every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

And this is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I've received I will sow

Mission Denver: When my ignorance smashed into the brick wall of reality

I think a story is worth telling when a group of college kids pile into a crowded SUV for a thirty-hour round-trip to Denver, awake at an ungodly hour to serve breakfast to the homeless, get to know gang members, dive into the inner-city society, and then spend two days homeless themselves — on their Spring break.

It took a lot of self-sacrifice to get my hands dirty and approach an intimidating character that I would prior to this trip label as the “bum” on the street. But the very first time I did it turned out to be one of the biggest breakthroughs of my life. As elementary as my realization was, I saw for the first time that homeless people are people. They have a lot more than just needs. They have big hearts, hearty laughs, and sturdy, philosophical heads on their shoulders. The irony of the week I spent in downtown Denver is that, in my little world, I went to help and bless people; but instead, they helped and blessed me. I thought I would have to step over their lowliness in order to meet them where they were at. But really, they had to break through my ignorance in order to stoop to my level.

But I’m learning that one’s level is a sick figment of the human imagination. I experienced this first hand when I woke up the Friday morning of our stay in Denver only to be turned out of the house we had been sleeping at. It was all part of a simulation so that our group could get a taste of what life was like without a place to call home. However, after two days of trudging the city streets, scavenging for food, asking for money, and searching for shelter, you begin to cross over the line of imitating homelessness to actually feeling homeless.

Only the day before I had been at the Denver Rescue Mission serving people meals, and now I was a member of the massive line of mostly hungry homeless men waiting to get their free noon meal for the day. It must have been the way they herded us through the building, down the stairs to the basement, into narrow hallways and into the stuffy “dining” room that made us feel like cattle. Maybe the frequenters of the facility didn’t feel the same way, but the overlapping emotions of each person in my college group were undeniable.

Back on the streets, I waited until the last possible minute to ask someone for cash. How could I? I had no intention of murdering my pride in cold blood. But when we found ourselves stranded far, far away from the motel we had received vouchers for, I finally made my move.

But for all the beers and cheers being tossed around on St. Patrick’s Day, I mustered up a grand total of $1.50. So we walked.

But beyond the small glimpse I caught of that lifestyle, I began to see people in a new light. Individuals who I would normally have passed by without a second thought suddenly had a spotlight on their face. I approached dozens of homeless people. I asked them to share with me their stories, opinions, and burdens. And they love to talk! It is much easier to commence a conversation with them than it is to end it, God bless them.

The car ride back to college was silent. Each of our minds was far away, pondering and processing the things we learned. I knew right away that the knowledge and revelation I walked away with would change my perspective forever.

16th Street, downtown Denver, where a LOT of homeless people sleep at night

Sam and I on the foothills of the Rockies, near Boulder, CO

Check it:

http://this-means-love.tumblr.com/post/18000854515

Sometimes

"Your words are so foolishly and ignorantly composed that I cannot believe you understand them."

-Martin Luther

From Explanations of the Ninety-Five Theses, pg. 87 of Luther's Works, Vol. 31

Can't stop listening to

Foster The People

Torches

It is so ridiculously GOOD.

Farms, fires, floating lanterns, and fun nights with friends

Cedarville

Two weekends ago I had a track meet at Cedarville University. Yeah, I went to run the mile in the DMR (distance medley relay), but we all know I went so I could spend the day with my best friend. It was wonderful. We went on a "hike" in the woods, probably the best that Ohio has to offer. I miss you Rachel!!

Struggles of a typical Type A

Chemistry test tomorrow, aftermath of a failed calculus test sinking in, first track meet of my college career this weekend, need to learn how to do a chi square test for my bio lab report, can't find time to sleep, paranoid lack of sleep will make me sick, can't find time to call my wonderful Grandma and say thank you for card and present she sent me, group project is working without me due to my inconvenient schedule....

These are the confessions of an extremely Type A personality. I hate it. All our worrying and freaking out only results in stress overloads and a marred perspective of the real world. In reality, this test will not affect my future, but my brain has projected it to show that if I fail, i will fail the class, then i won't get into grad school, and THEN i will have no career, thus no money, and so i'll perish on the streets, hungry and homeless. That just makes so much sense doesn't it?

Snapping back to reality, Jesus loves me and there is nothing I can do to make him love me more. And there is nothing I can do to make him love me less. Remembering that is the cure.

Obviously, it is a daily struggle, but when I get stressed I have GOT to step back and look at it with a wider, wiser perspective: this too shall pass.

Mean while, I am going to try to become a Type B. They are soo much more fun to be around! And nothing phases them, at least that is the impression they give off.

I think I see some greener grass over there!

So you're a veggie, eh?

It just came to mind that people probably think me very bizarre for not eating meat. I mean that's what I would have been thinking more than two years ago...

I have never been fond of meat, but I would eat it because in my natural environment, that is what people do. But ever since I stopped- and I mean stopped, haven't had meat since- a new normal has established its place in my mind. I just don't think about it in the same way as I did before. Because it was easy for me to give up meat (remember, i've never LOVED it, in most cases i hated it), I have not craved it sense. Every day the weirdness of saying "no" became further behind me. Now, it is off in the far distance, and I know now I will never eat meat again. Well, actually, there is a potential deviation in my future, and that would be that I'd eat fish if I ever do marathons. So, apart from that pescatarian exception, I will be, once and forever, a vegetarian.

Sorry. And for all you males out there, I completely understand your lack of understanding: men like their meat.

Snowy Seattle on my birthday

Hold Up! Wait a Minute!

I just got through spending the marvelous month of January in what I have now realized is my favorite place in the world- Oregon. So why am I in the San Fran airport and preparing to board a plane that will take me aaall the way back to the Midwest? Talk about 1 step forward 2 steps back. What was I thinking!? Well it's a weird one for sure. I have to endure all over again the long semester-trek through the desert, without the vital things I need to survive: mountains, valleys, the ocean, pine trees, orchards, and friendly Pacific Northwestern natives. All. Over. Again.

So mundane. So irritating. Such a waste of time.

Wow. The above comes across as quite pessimistic, does it not? How about a chance to rewrite the awful first impression I had of Greenville College. A new shot at conquering difficult classes (calc, chem, & bio to name the lethal trio). An opportunity to engage the faces I walk past every day, yet take no notice of. PEOPLE. (They're what make the world go round).

So may this infernal nightmare turn into something incredibly blessed and so fruitful that I can't comprehend it.

Help me Jesus!

Meanwhile...

Medford has more than lived up to its reputation of mountains and friendly smiles and good people and clean water and fresh air. I run along the ridge of Roxy Anne and see the Rogue Valley in all of its glory. How could I have lived here 19 years (yeah, another birthday has come & gone) and taken such beauty for granted!? Well, I confess I did. But if God had me go all the way to Illinois just to point out what I was missing, well it was worth it for sure!

Okay. That is the overdramatic, over-sensible side of the story.

In short, I'm happy to be home. I am thankful.

And God even blessed me with a birthday present! He let me spend two wonderful days in snowy Seattle! That city is magical when it's covered in white. As if the constant rain didn't purify enough….

And to think that I must return to the Midwest for another round of homesick sentiments and "what if" hindsight statements buzzing through my head. Praise Jesus for His perfect plan and flawless timing.

Sometimes I think that maybe you forget how important it is to remember that

this is my heart that you hold, It is my heart that you hold!